


Old Soul New World

by Nebs8216



Category: MediEvil (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2021-04-19
Packaged: 2021-04-22 03:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22141249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebs8216/pseuds/Nebs8216
Summary: Ever wondered what happened to Dan's past self? So did the fairies after throwing him through a portal, where it leads, no one knows...unless you're Dan of course.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	1. Fate's Arrow

“Dog! Dog! Get back here!” 

Tapping his foot impatiently, he waited for the hound to come from around the corner. “Dog!” He called once more. Maybe he’d found a quail or something worth bringing back to the castle, though that would be wishful thinking as instead, he brought back a full skeletal arm. He nearly spat out his ale, looking onto his hound in disgust, “What in the name of Saint Merkin have you got there, you mangy cur?” he gasped, “Give that to me! Now!”

Bet you’re wondering, just who is this pompous, obnoxious buffoon? And by god, what is up with his teeth? Yes, teeth, as unfortunately, he was not known for his dental prowess nor was he known for good breeding either. Not even after he took the arm did he give the poor hound a kick to the behind. A loud yowl came from the hound as he was knocked forward, the impact really hurt! “Lupo! Follow me you scabrous mutt! We’re done hunting for today!” And what a _successful_ hunt that was, really, all he did was lazily bark orders at the dog and rant about the royal guard, and oh how _hard_ it was to be Captain of the Royal Guard. If you couldn’t read the sarcasm then you’re more than likely Sir Daniel Fortesque, the Captain of the Guard whose fashion sense rivals that of someone who dresses in the dark. Or at least, someone who takes all of what’s popular in the fashion world and then proceeds to mesh all together into this horrific amalgamate of tule and fluff. Honestly, there was not one bit of his outfit that spoke a lick of sense, not even that ghastly codpiece he wears, obviously compensating for something, aren’t you, Sir Fortesque? 

“Lupo! It’s time I pay a visit to sweet widow Lucinda! She can pay me this week’s rent!” He’d give a laugh, “It’s good to be me.”

And would you look at that, he steps all over people too! Isn’t he such a _wonderful_ role model?

Despite the long walk - and the inevitable complaint about his feet hurting later, Dan was in a fairly good mood! At least, until one of the guards manning the gate had to open his mouth, “Welcome back Captain Fortesque! King Peregrine asks that join him in the Throne Room right away!” To which Dan would scoff, “But I was about to…ugh…oh, very well…_What does the old windbag want now_?” That last bit, he mumbles under his breath, even he had half a brain cell to know that under any circumstances, you _never_ spoke ill of your boss. Or at least, not out loud. Besides, you never know which sort of brownnoser would go sneaking off to snitch to the King. And it wasn’t that King Peregrine was an inept ruler or even a tyrannical monster, of course not! Far from that! But you could argue that he was a bit too kind for the job, perhaps even gullible, or else what would those years of putting up with Zarok had been for?

Ah yes, Zarok, who could forget that macabre, old goat lover? He’d been banished recently for his deception to the King, going against his job description as the Court Magician and Jester – there were budget cuts, there wasn’t room for two bodies, and speaking of bodies, Zarok had been keeping a pile of them underneath the castle, conducting countless, fiendish experiments, and constantly tormenting everyone by cackling maniacally at witching hour. Though to give him credit, he woke everyone up faster than any rooster could. But regardless, instant banishment. And as if that weren’t enough, he'd already declared war on fair Gallowmere, now that would’ve been laughed at if not for the fact that he was a necromancer bordering on lich with how good he was at raising the dead. Plus, rumor had it that he was employing the assistance of Shadow Demons! Great, he just had to bring in those bastards, didn’t he? Well, suppose that’s what Dan gets for being a snitch.

Dan could already hear the snickering of the imps even as he entered the room, god how he hated them, you’d swear, one day they’re all going to gather up and steal the bloomers off every soldier, lady, and lord in the land! Still, he’d be courteous, it’s the least he could do. Bowing politely to the king for starters, “My most glorious liege, I am forever at your service!”

King Peregrine was a kindly, older gentleman with a twinkle in his eye, and a hearty laugh that could put a smile on anyone’s face no matter the mood! “There you are, Captain! No doubt you were out drilling with the Royal Guard? Tell me, how does their training progress?” 

“Oh, absolutely I was my King!” He’d declare, you know, like a liar. “Under my peerless tutelage I shall make them the finest fighting force in all the nine kingdoms.” Dan stood back up with a smug grin, “Or my name’s not Daniel Wigginbottom Fortesque the Fourth.” And for the sake of your sanity, do not ask about the past three Daniel Wigginbottom Fortesque’s. A sigh of relief came from the King, “Oh that’s reassuring,” only for his face to turn from content to abject horror in a millisecond, “Because the scouts tell me that the army of the undead now numbers some five-thousand rotting corpses, and they’re headed our way!” Ooh, now Dan didn’t like this shit one bit. “They are?” His scream was so high pitched, you’d swear puberty just reversed itself! The King of course, didn’t notice the bricks Dan was metaphorically – or literally, dropping at this very moment, “Yes, they’ll be stinking up the castle within a day!” Another sigh, followed by subtle head shaking, probably kicking himself for not sending Zarok straight to the Gallows Gauntlet as opposed to exile, “Frankly, our only hope of salvation lies within you and your gallant men.” Dan was now visibly shaking, “What? But you promised Daddy there’d be no actual fighting!”  
The King only smiled, then gave a hearty chuckle, “Quite the kidder you are, Captain! I can tell you can’t wait to rip into that scrupulous coward’s legion! Standard protocol, if I do declare.” Nodding, Dan quickly turned on his heel to leave, “I need to go change my britches, I’m ah, very sweaty from all that drilling.” You know, one can’t help but wonder if the King holds some doubt on his Captain’s capability and if he truly does have the right man to lead his army. But sadly, he’s not as suspicious as one would hope he’d be, especially with Dan’s clearly erratic behavior, ever since the war was declared. Then again, Gallowmere had not seen a war in over a century, in his mind, the army needed all the preparation they could get! Oh, if only he knew he’d just signed a whole generation of young men’s death certificates.

On his way to his bedchambers, Dan happened to pass by a particular figure in green. A smile crept on his face as he knew who this was, who else but his only brain cell- I mean, his best friend Canny Tim. Compared to the inappropriately dressed Captain, his second-in-command was not only decently dressed and well-spoken but more competent at his job, and more so of a hero than Dan would ever claim to be no matter how many glamorous tales of dragon slaying or kelpie taming he’d regale. “Tim! Tim! Stop right there! Just the man I was looking for!” Dan tried to hurry over, “I need to talk to you about-” “Terribly sorry, sir,” Tim held out a hand, “But I’m afraid I’m needed in Gallows Town.” Color Dan surprised! “What? But Tim, I need you!” He begged, “You can’t keep ignoring me, I need your help, more than ever!”

“And I’m sorry, but I have to go, it’s urgent!” And before he could protest further, Tim went around the corner and was out of sight by the time Dan had managed to collect himself and attempt to follow him. It was odd, normally Tim was exuberant and keen to help with Dan in his hairbrained schemes no matter how imprudent they may be! Not to mention that when things do go south would he be able to clear up the mess and at times grant Dan a quick getaway! Why else was he called “Canny Tim”? But no, ever since his trip to the Enchanted Forest – and Dan had previously warned him of those malicious little sprites, did Tim suddenly start to act strange. It seems like, all of a sudden, he was less eager to listen to Dan and instead sneak around claiming to meet a fellow named Griff. The Captain felt his stomach twist into a knot as undesirable thoughts began to impede on his psyche. Truthfully, Tim was not only his best friend, but the only real friend he had. The rest? All bought with Daddy’s money, they only put up with him because of his amassed wealth and status, but Tim? His friendship was genuine and true, he had empathy for this idiot. Suppose that’s finally ran out then? 

Oh great, now he was catching feelings. Quick! Better act all scummy before it gets anymore after-school special! Now, what was he doing? Ah, right, sweet Widow Lucinda. She owed him rent money, but perhaps this week he’ll be more lenient and instead opt for their usual rendezvous. And yes, unfortunately it involves one of his codpieces being called for action. And to think, somewhere out there, there’s one with his own face imprinted on it. Go ahead, you know you want to projectile vomit at the mere mention. He’d flag down a poor servant boy to relay the message to her before finally stealing away into his bedchambers to prepare. And in all this, he hadn’t even noticed that Lupo wasn’t following him anymore, maybe the dog finally had enough or he too also was repulsed at the idea of Dan taking advantage of a grieving widow, pick your poison. Dan would slowly shed his lumpy, flashy clothing, layer by layer until getting to the pathetic pale center, beer gut and all.  
If only he knew of what was to happen next.

He’d wait for her, lounging about with a goblet of wine. His eyes fell towards something that looked like apples, but picking one up and taking a bite revealed it to be an uncooked radish instead. Dan gagged and spat it out, who the hell would do this? Oh wait, this was from last night when he hosted that night-long party celebrating another day of no Zarok around. As the minutes bled into hours, Dan grew bored, wondering where Lucinda was until knocking made his ears and then the rest of him perk up in excitement. He cleared his throat, “Ah, Lucinda, you’re early! Come on in!” Really, she wasn’t, but he didn’t want to put her at fault. Some women do want to look proper; you know. “I’m ready for you!” He called. Gag. 

The door creaked open as, not Lucinda, but a strange man in a long brown robe and white beard poked his head into the room. “Eek, cover your eye, Dan!” He’d hear a tiny voice cry. “What! Who the blazes are you?” Dan screamed. It was all happening so quickly, and – did a fairy just come out of that man’s beard? And where was his _jaw_? Dan was blinded, whatever that fairy sprayed into his face, it was obstructing his vision and preventing him from fighting back. All he could do in that moment was flail about, swatting his hands around like he had broken them whilst crying, “What did you do that for, you malicious little sprite?”  
“Quickly Dan, sock ‘im!” he’d yell. 

Dan? No, that can’t be right, he’s Dan! What in the bloody hell is going on? Dan opened his mouth to protest, finally opening his eyes to face this supposed imposter. Instead, all he got was a well-deserved whack upside the head, and it was lights out for him. There was a loud ringing in his ears as Dan collapsed, poor fool hadn’t a clue. But on the bright side, it was over in no less than a minute!

It’d be mere hours before he’d begin to stir again, groaning, he sat up and rubbed his head. “What happened?” He moaned, then rubbing his eyes, his vision focused and his stomach would of course drop when he saw the sky had blackened. Was it night time already? How long had he been out? And judging from his surroundings, he was outside and no doubt far from the comforts of the castle walls. “What the hell am I doing out here? I have to head back!” he began getting up, then looking down saw that he was even dressed in a white blouse and red pants, ooh now this, he definitely didn’t like! Heart pounding in his chest, Dan began to make a break for it, by the looks of the tombstones, he was in the graveyard. Oh God, his lies had finally caught up to him, he was going to be buried alive! Nope! Not today! 

“Oi! Lord fop doodle ‘ere is tryin’ to run out on us!” Hearing that same voice from earlier made Dan sprint faster. “I got ‘im, bruv!” Another would declare, this one belonging to that of a female, and if Dan knew better, definitely a fairy too! The gates weren’t too far off, thank goodness the cemetery wasn’t too big, but even then, his long legs wouldn’t be enough to escape his fate. Before she’d catch up to him, Dan would swear he saw Tim there, and was going to call out for him, until something blue buzzing by trailed by something bright, which would once again blind him. But this time, he found himself drifting from consciousness. 

Taking things out of Dan’s perspective momentarily, the fairies Griff and Noreen would see their plans fall into place, it was hours later when the sun began to rise. They waved their friends off, then once retreating back into their witch friend’s gaff, looked down at the unconscious Captain. They decided to tie him up just in case he stirred and tried to run off again, but now the question still stands, what to do with him?

Wartilda frowned, “We’re not leaving him in my hut if that’s what you’re implying.” 

“We never said that, Wartilda!” Noreen huffed, placing her hands on her hips, “We’re just tryin’ to figure out what to do wit ‘im. Can’t let ‘im go back to the castle.”

“And besides, if Danny boy ‘ere is out getting’ shot again and this doosh rolls back in, then what’re we to do ‘bout it?” Griff adds. Wartilda, however, had her doubts, “But really, fajazzling not only Sir Knight but that sweet young second of his too?” Griff only shrugged his shoulders, “’E wouldn’t have gone along ‘ad I told ‘im what we wanted to do. We were gonna fajazzle that ol’ scarecrow too but, I gotta be honest, Noreen and I are kinda ‘fraid of ‘im.” There was something off about this plan, but Wartilda just couldn’t put her finger on it. “We can always send ‘im away.” Noreen offers. “Not after that magic gas you emitted.” Griff scrunched up his nose, “Besides, he’ll just try to come back.” “Good point bruv,” Noreen frowned, “So then what now? Different time perhaps?”

“Different time, different time,” Griff let those words simmer into his brain before his eyes lit up, snapping his fingers and his wings fluttering excitedly he declared, “Different time! That’ll work! Lucky us, I can make ‘im a portal and – hey presto! Out of our hair!” The witch didn’t like the sound of this, “Are you sure…?” Noreen would smile at her, “Not to worry, Wartilda, we know what we’re doin’!” No, they don’t. Sure, it didn’t take a “magic gas” to create a portal, but what did take effort was having to toss a very fajazzled Captain Fortesque through it. No way was the witch touching him! He shouldn’t be off for another hour or so, but wherever he was going, good riddance! With him tossed like a drunkard who’d had one too many, the portal closed. Noreen seemed satisfied, “A’ight, ‘at settles ‘at!” No thank you or goodbye, another poof and both fairies were gone. 

Wartilda frowned, “My name is **_Emelda_** by the way!”


	2. Have you seen me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a brave new world but with the same old problems.

Weather forecast for tonight; fifty-three degrees with an eighty percent chance of rain. Though, odd how there was no mention of any wormholes opening at this hour, nor was there any mention of a body coming through it, crashing into a dumpster and flopping onto the garbage heap – oh wait, that’s just Dan, nevermind. And it seemed like the force of being tossed through time and space, then landing so harshly knocked him out of his fajazzled state. Blinking several times to allow his vision to adjust, he can see that it was not only still dark out but now he was surrounded by black bags, and good lord the odor. Gasping, he quickly sat up, turning his head around frantically to see where he was now. For sure, it wasn’t Gallowmere or it’s graveyard but this was foreign to him. He would’ve chalked it up to Gallows Town’s many alleyways had it not been for the intense lights coming from one end of the alley, and as if his situation could pose any more inconvenience for him, a drip drop of water hit his nose, before full-blown rainfall began to drench the bound Captain. “Great, things just can’t get any worse?” He’d groan. If only he hadn’t said that, but now looking down at himself he noticed his clothes still intact – good, no perverts to change him into something tasteless, but to his horror, his right toe was missing, and what was left was a puss and bloody wound. Dan opened his mouth to scream as the pain finally registered, shooting up his body like lightning bolts. Blood wasn’t gushing out as much, but there was definitely a lack of care for his injury as blood was all over his foot. Dan screaming so much would’ve scared off any potential rescuers, and he wasn’t taking his chances with walking, knowing how much of a klutz he was.  
But the least he could do was get out of the trash, if you’re going to look like a homeless man don’t be the homeless man in an industrial garbage bin. 

Dan managed to pull himself out, grunting as his hands were still bound, if only he’d brought a dagger with him so he can slice through the ropes. Damn fairies, it’s no wonder he warned Tim about them, they like to cause mischief for no reason. That’s when the hamster wheel in his head began turning as he for once, started to think about the whole situation until it eventually clicked – those fairies sent him away! To where, he didn’t know. With the occasional bitch whimper and one foot in front of the other, Dan made his way out of the alley, all the while struggling to see with water hitting his face and obscuring his vision. But following the lights he could see that this was far from Gallows Town, in fact all of this was too foreign to him. The odd shop or two was luminescent, with display windows peeking into the shops themselves, posts stood tall with more light, albeit faint, and what would occasionally pass by were carriages, except these carriages where too bulky and almost shiny. 

Alright Dan, you’ve finally unboxed your brain and read the instructions, time to put it to further use. Where are you right now? Certainly, it wasn’t China, he’d heard of the streets always being populated. Definitely far from the sunny regions of Egypt, or else there’d be sand and animals everywhere. There was a sense of familiarity, though it was faint and hard to tell. Maybe he was still in Gallowmere? He’d heard of stories where people go to sleep and find themselves years and years ahead of time. It didn’t sound impossible, look at how old Zarok was! Jokes aside, perhaps this is what was going on, and if those fairies had something to do with it, then he was surely screwed over this time! See, he’s not stupid, just insanely stubborn. So, until he knew his location, he should at least know what day it was and more importantly, what year it was. With any luck, this could just be one big hallucination or even a dream, and before he’d know it, he’d wake up to find sweet Widow Lucinda there waiting for him. Out of the alley now, he could at least walk around and make further observation, would’ve been a cake walk had it not been for his goddamn toe being missing and surely messing up his footing. Great, now he was limping like some sort of leper. Note to self, get to a medic.

With his head up in the clouds, it was easy for Dan to bump into things, it was no surprise that his body collided with a large box on the ground. With a grunt, Dan frowned and looked down at it, the surface was shiny, just like those carriages he’d seen earlier. Leaning far to the left, his head looking down to see what this box had, he’d come face to face with a sheet of glass, inside it contains paper. Paper in a box, so then how the hell do you get to it? Who designs these things, and why put it in front of people while they’re walking? Though, maybe he’s the one who’s too close, seeing another one of those carriages approaching, Dan made a jump to the side just as it was passing by. Good, getting hit by those things is the last thing you need, and clearly the material was hard judging by the shine. What he didn’t expect was for it to suddenly stop, with the window rolling down.

“Hey, are you alright?”

Maybe it was the blood loss, chalk it up to coming out of fairy drugs, or maybe he’d just finally gone insane as Dan was staring back at a familiar face. He knew the voice, the hair, the eyes, even the way he tilted his head with worry. But whatever the case may be, he’d finally had enough and collapsed onto the ground with an audible thump, though unfortunately for him, the rain wouldn’t be enough to stir him, not even the concerned cries or sensation of being dragged. 

If you couldn’t tell already, he was going to be in and out of consciousness for a while.

Blink once if you’re out of the rain, blink twice if you want to see bright lights. But blink again, and you’d miss the whole thing, though maybe Dan wouldn’t want to be awake for the following events – it was incredibly messy. But slowly, he’d begin to stir again, no longer hearing the gentleness of the raindrops outside. While Dan’s vision started the adjustment process, his ears on the other hand were wide open to the conversation happening in front of him. “I can’t believe you’re doing this _again_; you know you can’t afford it!” A gruffer voice would begin disapprovingly. The familiar voice retorts, “I couldn’t just leave him out there, not with the way he’d fainted!”

“He’s missing a toe, of course he’d faint! Bad enough you had to pull over.”

“Even so, it wouldn’t have been right.”

“I _told_ you to keep driving.”

“He was without a coat, I wanted to see if he was okay.”

“Well, now you have a homeless man with a missing toe on your hands.”

“Better than leaving him to fight the elements alone.”

“Look Tim, I know you like helping people, but seriously think of the last time you did this.”

“Woden, enough! His hands were tied back and he has nothing on him, I doubt he’d do anything.”

His head was spinning, whatever the hell was in his system, ooh it felt great but his head was lulling about. Also, can he just mention how soft and warm this bed was? Oh god, Gallowmere’s staff had really come through with the goose feather pillows and quilts! And he didn’t have to throw a tantrum for it either! “Woden! He’s waking up!” He heard him gasp, followed by hurried footsteps. Up close, Dan can see those teal-colored eyes and soft locks of strawberry blonde hair and – oh, gross, that’s his second in command he’s talking about! Still, it was nice to see him, and finally acting right in the head again. “What the hell…?” Dan moaned. “Sir? How’re you feeling? You fainted on us and I couldn’t help but notice your missing appendage,” Tim fretted, “You didn’t have an ID on you, would you mind telling me your name?” His brows furrowed as Dan tried to sit up, “What in Gallows name are you talking about? An eye-dee? You know who I am, I’m Sir Daniel Fortesque! Remember? We’ve been friends for years? I gave you a promotion? You _live_ with me?” Just as perplexed by these series of questions, Tim says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.” Dan, it’s best to just quite while you’re ahead. “Is…what are you…” for the first time in his life, Dan was at a loss for words, “You have been avoiding me for weeks and this is what you say to me?” Tim on the other hand stood back, “I’m sorry sir, but I really don’t know who you are. Are you okay? Should I get the doctor?” And apparently the bafflement on Dan’s face forced Tim to face his companion, “Woden, get the doctor.” If you’ve seen this trope hundreds of times, you’ll know damn well what comes next. Dan just couldn’t believe this his friend – his only friend was doing this! Three weeks of no word, continuously blowing him off to see this Griff fellow and now this, looking him in the eye and kicking him while he was down. He’s missing a toe, Tim. He’s been drugged by fairies and knocked unconscious by some jawless leper in a brown robe sporting the same name as him. And to think, all those hunting trips, the drunken singalongs, nightlong parties, and even the years of comfort when Tim needed him, and this is the thanks he gets? “Oh, what a _great_ friend you are, Tim! Great game you’re playing, but seriously, cut it out. I’ve had the shittiest day today and this is the last thing I need.” Dan spat. Woden in turn would glare before doing as Tim asked, exiting the room in stride whilst mumbling about crazies. 

Dan wouldn’t quite know this yet but he technically was talking out of his ass to a person who happens to look, sound, and have the same name as Tim, but it definitely wasn’t his Tim. If anything, he was only making his situation worse, yes Dan keep talking to the person who claims to be your friend, that won’t send you packing towards the looney bin! Meanwhile, Tim was beginning to think that maybe it was better off when he wasn’t talking and was instead resting. No, no need to be so harsh, it was becoming clear to him that this poor man was having some problems and likely wasn’t right in the head. It could’ve come from hitting his head on the sidewalk, but then how would it explain his odd clothing and the staring from earlier? Though, suppose the only good thing to come from it would be seeing him in recovery. Then he recalled that, oh right, he couldn’t afford it. And this man was homeless on top of that, medical bills are known to creep up on you, first wining and dining you to a nice, relaxing recovery – then they hit you with a fee so high your heart might just burst from the sheer amount of zeroes tacked onto it. And guess what? Homeless also meant no insurance, so Tim would have to use his own. Like hell Woden would fork over his insurance card, you’d sooner rip it from his cold dead hands than even ask him for his carrier. Speaking of Woden, whatever he’d just told the doctor, he had a nice little sedative ready for their new loudmouthed friend. Though there’d be endless protests from him, Dan would be rendered unconscious once again and both bodies escorted out of the room. It was awfully peculiar, as this gentleman had no social security, no identification card, not even a single trace of medical records or family members to connect him to anyone in the entire county let alone the country! It’d be hours before the doctor would inquire the two for a name, if they’d managed to catch it. Tim pondered for a moment, having been caught off guard despite sitting there in the waiting area twiddling his thumbs. He lifted his head at the question and would answer, “He said his name is Daniel Fortesque.” Nodding, the Doctor would in turn thank him for this bit of information, maybe the name will help them. You’d be amazed by how many people turn up missing, annual reports show that on average, the UK sees at least one hundred eighty thousand missing persons cases, and each report is made every ninety seconds. And after a quick call to the authorities it turns out there was a Daniel Fortesque that happened to be on the missing persons list – the report had been filed by one Granny Fortesque. Poor bastard must’ve gotten lost and hit with amnesia, that should explain why he was talking so funny. 

Tim stood up, seeing the doctor return hours after, “What did you find, Doctor?” “Well, it seems like you’ve just recovered a missing person!” He’d inform him, much to the shock of Woden, “Apparently, Mr. Fortesque here has been missing for the past few months.” Tim seemed relieved, “Oh, well that’s wonderful news, his family must be worried sick.” “Well, that’s what I’ve come to inform you about, the individual who had filed his report has since passed on, and with Mr. Fortesque’s current condition, he may need some assistance.” Tim was of course keen to assist, “Of course! I’d be more than happy to!” Despite Woden standing behind him, eyes widening and mouthing obscenities and wondering just what in the hell was wrong with his roommate.

Dan, in the meantime, had just come back from a dose of sedatives and was poking at his meal. The nurse had given him a tray full of oddities. From what he was told, tonight he’d be dining on the finest of hospital foods, starting with a _delectable_ tuna mayonnaise salad – mmm, canned tuna and processed mayonnaise on top of a bed of iceberg lettuce, together at last! And of course, some water to wash down those _nutritious_ flavors; then get ready to curl up with the main course, a nice warm shepherd’s pie made from the finest mystery meat and flaky potatoes, all with a side of sticky rice pudding and country vegetables fresh from the cafeteria freezer, reheated locally inside the microwave oven for a minute and a half! And for dessert, half melted vanilla ice cream, yum! Obviously, I’m kidding. But by god, it’s not like it’s a five-star restaurant. And Dan had already tried calling for the wench, thank you very much. It didn’t end well. Though, judging from the hand mark on his face, the nurse that tended to him was going to be losing her livelihood tonight. But really, if you were called the equivalent to a whore at your job and that same person had tested your patience, you’d better hope that whatever deity is up there gives you the strength not to kill Dumb and Dumber. Nonetheless, Dan was not liking the smell or taste of the food, say what you will about him, no one should have to be subjected to eating all that crap. He couldn’t even stomach the rice pudding, they were slimy and anytime he took a bite it was another crunch, and if he dared to open his mouth, he’d more than likely find a dead bug or a fingernail inside it. He opted to swallow what was already being chewed on and not touch the rest, Dan swore he saw something in his shepherd’s pie. 

“Mr. Fortesque?” Tim entered the room with caution, “The doctors have informed me that you’re going to be discharged in the morning.” “Oh good, no more of this vile shit they’re serving me.” Dan shudders, “So I’m getting the boot, and then what?” Tim then smiled, “Well, you go home of course, Woden and I are more than happy to give you a lift.” To which both men heard Woden scream from outside the room, “No I’m fucking not!” 

Tim sighed, “Don’t mind him, Woden isn’t particularly cheerful about this mess.”

“Well, you definitely pulled me out of something.” Dan muses. Internally though, he was finally coming to terms that this place is different from the one he knew, and from what he was hearing earlier, he’d ought to behave and stop acting the way he did lest he be thrown into the mental ward, which in medieval terms meant **_asylum_**. Hell no, not having that! Daniel Fortesque? Insane? Give him a break! But hearing that Tim was still willing to help him and even take him home, wherever that was now, was at least comforting to him.  
The following morning, Dan was given the boot- I mean, the discharge from the hospital. It was now all up to Tim and Woden, the latter being less than enthusiastic about taking time off work to help out some homeless moron with loose screw. Their boss would surely give them hell for what they were doing. But Tim didn’t care, and with the provided address from the authorities, drove Dan to his home. First it was far from the usual neighborhood, and then it got a bit…posh, to say the least. Think of the snootiest snoots who’d ever snooted in all the land and then put them in a sparkling white manor with all the glitz and glamour. Woden looked out the window, “Well, guess he’s not homeless after all.” “Of course, I’m not!” Dan retorted, “Why the hell would I be homeless?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you were dressed like one?”

“Well aren’t you just a beam of sunshine and kittens?”

“I hate sunshine.”

“Figured, you look the type.”

"And you look like a damn troll with that mushroom haircut, what is that, a handstand bowl cut?"

“_Anyway_, I was only like that because I woke up in a dumpster, my head’s been spinning ever since.”

“Why were you in a dumpster?”

“Why are you talking?”

Tim finally cut in, “Okay, guys! Guys! That’s enough of that. Woden, this man was missing. And Mr. Fortesque-” “Call me Dan.” He’d interrupt. “Okay, Dan, I’d kindly advise you not to speak to my colleague like that. Anyway, we’re here.” Tim says as he pulls into the driveway. Rendering to what authorities told him, Dan had just gotten the place. To say it was simple was being too humble, and from what we know about Dan so far, he’s far from it. No, his house had to be two stories, excessive for a man who, according to the records declared, lived alone. It was amazing that the Government had yet to seize the property, as Tim handed him a set of keys, a wallet, and a phone, “Here, these are yours.” Dan stared at him for a moment, “All mine?” “Well, of course!” He’d confirm. Woden in the meantime, couldn’t wait to get this pompous buffoon out of the car, “Well it was nice knowing you, Fortesque, but look at that! You’re finally back home and you can get out of our hair!” Dan would’ve jumped at the offer to get out and head inside, but instead he offered, “Wait, do you want to come in? I might be a bit unfamiliar with the place.” Tim agreed immediately, turning off the car, “Oh, of course, we’d love to! How irresponsible of me, your memories aren’t exactly matching up.”

Poor Woden screamed out of frustration as the two got out of the vehicle and went inside the house.

Dan’s mouth would hang open at the interior of the house, it was certainly better than his old bedchambers, that’s for sure. “Are you sure? All of this is mine?” Dan turned to face Tim with the biggest grin. “Yep, this is the Fortesque residence, and what a lovely home it is. Mind if pour some tea?” he’d query. “You know what, tea sounds great.” Dan nods. Woden would eventually join them, wonder why he was such a sour puss? Well, for one Woden hardly likes anyone. Second, he’d rather be at work getting the hours as opposed to playing third wheel to his roommate and some bum they picked off the side of the road last night. And with how demanding their job – and their boss was, it was hard to keep up, and missing even a day would turn the whole algorithm over its head. As Tim poured some tea for himself and Dan, an extra cup for Woden should he want any, “So Dan, I heard you were in the market for a job, I could put in a good word for you.” Now this was the kindness Dan was used to, and normally, he’d have a witty comeback, but not this time. If he was going to be friends with this Tim, he…wasn’t going to mess this up. Not again. He didn’t want to be ignored. Softly, Dan replied, “I’d like that, thank you.” And this time, Woden didn’t have a comeback either. Honestly, he was over it and figured, well, this idiot was now going to be a part of their life, may as well get used to it.

Glossing over the application process would pose an inconvenience, yet, let’s face it, no one wants to sit through a passage about applying for a job and then having to endure the process of interviewing and then hiring. Lucky for Dan though - and this can be proudly mentioned, where he was applying was always hiring! And to be frank, if he didn’t get a job then he’d lose the nice house and whatever other toys he supposedly had here. Unfortunately for him, the new Tim and the house would be the only good things to come out of his situation for now, as what was in store for him was, well, a store. The poor fool was all bright eyes and bushy-tailed, and let’s not forget to mention inappropriately dressed for the job, as even the last Fortesque to have resided here was also not as adequately versed on what was appropriate to wear on the first day of work. And who else to pick him up but his new acquaintances?

Seemed that not only did Dan mess up the kitchen, as they’d find out, but the whole house too in the process of exploring and toying around with the gadgets of the twenty-first century. “We’re going to be late! Where the hell is he?” Woden tapped his foot repeatedly as Tim continuously buzzed the doorbell. “Maybe he forgot that doorbells were a thing?” Tim suggests, taking out his phone to dial Dan’s number, he’d made sure to show him how it worked and what to do if someone called. 

The phone rang a few times before there came an answer, “Hello?”

Before Tim could open his mouth, Woden rips the device from his hands and puts him on speaker, “Fortesque! You baked bean buffoon! We’re going to be late if you don’t open this door right now!” As if Woden had put the fear of God, or rather the fear of _him_ in Dan, they’d hear rapid footsteps before the front door opened. Cargo shorts, knee-length tube socks with what looked to be little corgis on them, sandals, and a t-shirt with so many eye popping colors you’d swear you were looking at technicolor vomit, didn’t help that he had another shirt underneath that, and a long sleeve under that as well. And of course, the cherry on top being a baseball cap. “What the _fuck_ are you wearing?” Woden grimaced. Tim gasped and then quickly cupped a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter, but failing when a few giggles managed to seep out, “Oh no, did you have a fight with the wardrobe?” Dan put his hands on his hips and stood tall and proud, “What? I look great!” Woden’s hand? Meet Woden’s forehead! “No, I can’t be seen walking into work with you looking like you got dressed in the dark. I still need my dignity. You know what, move. Move out of the way! We’re getting you into something decent!” He then proceeded to shove Dan aside, grab his wrist, and drag him upstairs to his master bedroom. As they made their way up, he eyeballs the surrounding area, “What in the name of Odin have you been doing in here? You know you don’t have maids, right?” “I uh, never learned to clean.” Dan admitted with a slight blush. “Clearly.” Woden deadpans as he releases Dan from his iron grip and practically throws the closet doors open, rummaging around for something that didn’t scream “I’m punchable!” By then, Tim had entered the home, also wondering if a wild Tasmanian devil had broken in. Finally, Woden stumbled across a pair of jeans, sneakers, and a casual button down that had toned down colors that didn’t make his eyes bleed. He threw them at Dan, “Put those on, you can keep the socks only because I’m being nice.”

“But I-” Dan tried to protest.

“Did I fucking stutter?” Oh god, that glare. But on the damn sneakers, Dan! With a yelp of terror, Dan proceeded to undress and then put on what Woden had chosen for him. “I’m not going to be as lenient as Tim is and neither will our boss, so you better come to work dressed like an adult or I will _fucking_ kill you.” He’d threaten. And here come the metaphorical bricks. Dan nodded fearfully, “Yes sir!” Bonus points for getting the reverse puberty card, Woden! Well too bad for you Dan, not everyone is willing to bend over and let you fuck them over, especially not Woden who yelled, “**What?! Call me** _**MR.**_ **Woden the Mighty!**” His voice echoed and boomed throughout the room that Tim had to come upstairs, “Hey, are we ready?” Dan nodded frantically, “Uh-huh! Ready to go – please don’t let him kill me.”


	3. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's first baby steps into the world of retail, let's hope he doesn't make an ass of himself.

Woden the Mighty was a fearless opponent, it’s said that even the Gods feared him, and right now, he was stuck in a sports sedan driven by possibly the UK’s most passive Good Samaritan while yelling at a bum they picked up not too long ago, who by the way may or may not be ruining his jeans from just how terrified he was of this man. Dan wasn’t exactly the bravest of men, back in his day – and yes, he has all rights to say this phrase, his tales would be so overly exaggerated one would think to find them in a compilation on forums all likely to end with “And then everybody clapped.” And his tales are merely half-truths to say the least, one such tale he’d regale to the King recalled a grand and epic fight against a wyrm, he’d describe it as being forty feet long, with fangs so sharp it could probably cut a man by a mere glance! He’d always start the tale by setting the scene, by traveling near murky waters when the beast came out of nowhere and blindly attacked him, being a territorial beast it’s practically instinct. 

But really, the reality was that on a hot summer day, Dan had taken a walk and despite his abhorrent disdain for baths, thought to enjoy a dip into the nearby pond to cool off. Though really, if he’d taken off that ridiculous outfit, he’d be more comfortable. Honestly, the things he does for aesthetic. Instead of the quiet afternoon splishing and splashing around in the water, the moment he stripped and got in, he spotted a water snake slithering towards him. And, in typical Fortesque fashion, he’d honor the family name…by screaming and running away without even bothering to grab for his clothes, so now you’d have this naked idiot running across the countryside screaming his head off despite being far enough away from the pond and therefore the snake. Regardless of the lie, you can’t deny that he was an eloquent storyteller! Now, why he didn’t opt to become a bard or an author? Simple, little Dan usually did the talking when around the maidens at court and being a knight would’ve guaranteed him all that booty.  
Getting back to the car ride though, ever since they pulled out of the driveway, Woden just wouldn’t stop talking. And by that, we mean he wouldn’t stop threatening Dan. “Okay, it’s your first day of work, don’t say anything stupid.” Woden pointed a finger at Dan, who merely shrunk into his seat and would only nod in fear, “Okay! Noted!” 

“The bathrooms on the second floor, the ones closest to the food court, avoid them at all costs.”

“Dare I ask why?”

“Just don’t go into those bathrooms! They smell like the aftermath of too much fast food and are likely the place where you could contract a UTI or whatever airborne variety of herpes lurks in there.”

“Okay, okay! I got it!”

“You will be respectful and polite no matter what, no sarcasm or I will throw you into this busy intersection!”

“That sounds very illegal-”

“No talking back! You will open your ears and listen; you will have a turn to talk when I am done!”

Dan couldn’t help but wonder, just what was this man’s problem? He hadn’t done anything to him yet here he was making his face red form all that anger. Tim – though keeping his eyes on the road, frowned and snapped, “Woden, for _five_ minutes, can you _not_ be yourself? **_For five minutes!_**” Woden, sitting on the passenger side, turned to glare at Tim, who’d turn his head away a brief moment to give him one of his own. That seemed to temporarily shut him down, crossing his arms and staring ahead at the road. Eventually, they’d pull into a parking lot, close enough to the entrance and just under a street lamp. Dan stared out the window, wondering just how big the inside of the building was, he’d hardly seen anything larger than Peregrine Castle. You’d assume he’d been there at least once, but no, he’d instead been at home throughout the entirety of the hiring process, the application? A piece of paper that had been filled up at home. The interview? Over the phone. He’d only been lucky due to Tim lending a hand, Woden did put in a word or two, though mostly of his current “mental condition”, as if anyone would ever believe him to be a thirteenth century knight that had been thrown through a portal into the twenty-first century like a bag of garbage. Seeing the two get out was Dan’s signal to remove the safety belt and exit the vehicle, following close behind them to go to work. Dan thought, maybe everyone else working in the mall will be as nice as Tim, or perhaps more willing to call Woden out on his frightening attitude. 

Dan wasn’t prepared for the inside of the building, a blast of heated air hit his face and for a moment he’d wondered if he’d just stepped into a forge, until he saw the array of shops. Ah, so it was like the markets back in Gallows Town! Only, for a market, no one was really presenting their wares or shoving it into his face demanding he take a look and spare a pretty gold coin for them. No shouting, no busybodies shoving and squeezing through to collect their necessities for the day. It was almost too serene for his liking, though what confused him was the idea of an entire market being indoors as opposed to the outdoors? Sure, it could be argued that goods such as meats, fruits, and vegetables stand less of a chance under the sun, but it was the way these markets worked! At least, back then. Dan recalled Tim saying it was a mall, and stores carried more than just food and pretty shinies to impress the missus and stay off the couch. On top of this, he’d heard music pouring from places unknown, but seemingly, they came from the ceiling, leading to this humorous thought of bards being strapped onto the ceiling and being forced to play endlessly. It cracked a momentary smile, Woden in the meantime looked down at his watch, “Okay, we have five minutes before we have to clock in.” Tim checked his phone as well – he’d neglected to check, he’d gotten a rude awakening from Woden this morning and hardly had the time to brew himself a cup of tea to wake himself up, and looking at it now, for a moment he was incredibly confused, “Woden, are you _sure_ it’s 10 am?”

“Of course, it is! Our store opens at 10 am, therefore we have to be here at…” Woden snatched Tim’s phone and saw it was instead, 8:30 am. “Seems as though we woke up early today.” Tim sighed. Dan brought out his phone too, it took him a while to find the power button. Give him a break, he’s new to this, feeling around the sides of the phone until he’d eventually press the home button, the screen lighting up and saying 8:30 am. Oh, now if this wasn’t the opportune moment to rub it in this jarhead’s face! Despite the bricks earlier, Dan mustered the courage to approach Woden with the biggest “_eat shit_” grin you could imagine – and with those teeth? Oh, it was more than possible! “Tim’s right, we’re early!” Woden grumbled under his breath, what he was saying, no one knew. But Tim did crack a small smile, “If we’re early, why don’t we grab something to eat? We can give Dan the lay of the land while we’re at it! Woden, why don’t we start with a nice, warm welcome?” Normally, he’d be opposed and suggest Dan walk into walls like the hapless moron he was, but not in front of Tim. Instead, he agreed and began, “Welcome to Hell.”

“Not like that!” Tim put his hands on his hips.

But Woden continued, “The big store to the left of us is where we work, open from 10 am to 8pm. Yes, we’re here all day for six days a week. Shut up.” He’d begin to walk, which meant Dan had to follow, but don’t worry Danny Boy! Your new best friend is right beside you and ready to snap back at Woden. “There are bathrooms are in our store, in the back area but I wouldn’t recommend going in there, they’re awful and we don’t have proper custodians.” He’d continue, “On the first floor you’ll find the theater, at least one restaurant, and several shops plus one café.” Just as he’d gesture, one end of the first floor was the store he’d be working in, then across from that was the aforementioned theater, though Dan tried to wrap his head around what a theater was. Seemingly, it was a place where you watched a show for about an hour and a half, now aside from the King, who in the hell would sit there for that long? What were the shows anyway? Once again, his imagination was triggered, picturing a stage where a fool would struggle to keep up with the audience and not lose them. Thankfully, Peregrine’s Court hardly had that, with the exception of Zarok and himself to entertain him with tricks and stories. “The mall itself hasn’t seen much updates, at least, not anything major.” Tim mentioned. Woden agreed, “The Mall is stuck in a time warp, it looks like it’d never left the 1980’s so don’t be surprised if the neon lights are hurting your eyes. Only real changes are the establishments, the Café just may be the only real update its seen in 20 years.” Just close to the theater was the restaurant called “The Palm Pubhouse”, wasn’t busy at all, then again it was barely time to open as Woden had mentioned, they were here early. There were staff members running around cleaning tables and overall straightening up the place, the uniform was in fact unusual as they were dressed in cheap pirate costumes. Now, Dan had seen pirates, and he’d hardly ever seen any dress this lazily, honestly, not every pirate wears an eyepatch and a striped shirt. Tim rolled his eyes at the sight of the store manager, “Not him…” he softly mumbled. Dan took note of his disdain, “Does he give you trouble?”

“Marrow Redsail? Yes.” Tim gritted his teeth, “Too bad he’s the restaurant manager, can’t go in for a nice bangers and mash without him nagging me for the time of day.”

Marrow Redsail sounds exactly like the wanted Pirate Captain who terrorized Gallowmere’s ports, Dan thankfully never had to face him as Marrow had fortunately gotten into an accident that cost him one of his hands, then later his life. From what he’d heard, his ship – _The Ghost Ship_, I know, _clever_ name, was caught in a fight against one of Gallomwere’s trade ships and he’d accidentally cut off his own hand in the fracas; and then later on fell on the blade, impaling and killing him, once again, by accident. For such a fearsome pirate, he was for sure accident prone. Huh, coincidence that he’d be here too. Perhaps he’d pissed off some fairies too? Or you know, maybe reincarnation is a thing, ever think about that, Dan? Continuing on, the other shops around were merely clothing stores and the occasional kiosks. One such kiosk was run by a taller gentleman, likely even taller than Dan and he’s already one big bastard, with his nice blonde hair tied back into a ponytail. He’d turn around to greet what he thought was a potential customer with a smile, only for his face to fall when he saw Woden. He’d immediately grabbed for a bottle that had been sitting as a display and was due to press down on the nozzle when the other threatened, “Try it, and I ruin that pretty face of yours, Raven.” “Not my fault you smell like Rafflesia arnoldii.” Raven snidely remarks, setting the bottle down. 

“I assure you, Raven, I’ve showered today,” Woden rolls his eyes, “It’s only your wall of artificially scented fauna in a bottle that prevents you from getting a good whiff of natural odors.”

Raven was due to retort, until his fell eyes upon Dan, his eyes brighten up a bit at the newcomer, “Oh, is he new?” “Just started today, yes.” Tim smiled. “I’m Raven Hooves, and you are?” He’d offer a hand to Dan, who gladly shook, “Daniel Fortesque.” Odd, there was record of a legendary hero with the name Ravenhooves. In his day, Ravenhooves was the last of the Centaur Princes, a renowned playboy and star athlete of his own pedigree – and no, don’t worry, we’re not comparing this to dog show levels of pedigree, but actually referring to the recorded ancestry - especially upper-class ancestry, of a person or family. And Ravenhooves was part of said pedigree, and to humor you, yes, he was also in derbies and pony shows. Because apparently being a hero wasn’t enough to swell his head with enough ego to send him floating into the stratosphere. Dan had heard many tales of his great deeds of valor and chivalry, as Ravenhooves was a master archer, even carrying three kinds of bows wherever he went. Because forget carrying one or even carrying enough arrows for one bow, why not bring three? The first was your standard with a better grip, he only knew because the armory had it and Dan got to mess around with it for a good bit before realizing he was not only a terrible shot, but one of the arrows managed to pierce Zarok as he was passing by and just trying to live his best life, if you can call being an absolute git living your best life that is. And before you cheer, no, Zarok wasn’t hit anywhere vital, but he did have to bring in his headdress to the haberdashery for repairs. The second and third bows wouldn’t make it to the armory on account of not only the incident but also the fact that one could hold as well as fire flaming arrows without burning the wielder, the other contained magic arrows so volatile, that when fired cause a catastrophic level of destruction in its wake. It’s no wonder the King kept those two weapons locked up! And nowadays, Ravenhooves, or rather, Mr. Raven Hooves was working at a kiosk selling perfume. It would’ve been ironic had Dan not realized he’d been hired onto a retail job with Tim and Woden the Mighty. Ah yes, thought Dan would gloss over Woden, did you? He’d heard the stories, as Woden was best known for scaring everything that moved, from his enemies to even household pets. And having this man constantly screaming at him was not the first impression he wanted.

“I’d do something about that _awful_ haircut, Daniel,” Raven addresses in his usual condescending tone, “The mushroom top was hot…never, Jack should be able to get you a nice pompadour.”

A pompadour? On this face? Not going to work, and Tim cleared his throat, pointing to the barbershop that sat next to the café, “If you do, don’t mention your sex life, he’s particularly sensitive about it and he will rip a bit of your hair out. We’ve come to call him Jack the Ripper.” He says as this Ripper was sweeping the inside of the shop listening to music and content with the world around him. Best keep him that way, he’d already lost a toe, no need to lose some hair on top of that. The tour would continue afterwards, even with Raven now disappointed that no one wants to buy whatever Scentsy MLM he had in his stall. On the other side of the shops sat another, the rock music that boosted into the main area signaled Tim to try and cover his ears, Woden grimaced, “And there’s Zarok, somehow up and playing Cannibal Corpses again…pay no mind, this is the type of store angsty teens come to brood or waste their allowance on technicolored junk that will become more landfill in the long run.” Dan felt the bricks coming again at the mention of Zarok, even he made it to this century? He just can’t cut a break, can’t he? But this one was obviously different than the one he’d gotten fired. No ridiculous clothing on him, as he for once dressed like a normal human being, no headdress but a full head of silver hair and some glasses to see better. “He and our boss used to be together, I heard it was a messy divorce, they’re still fighting for custody of their dog,” Tim mentioned, “Just, be careful. Mr. Palethorn does not appreciate Zarok’s name being uttered.”  
So Zarok was into men? Huh, go figure. What, you think Dan would care about that? He doesn’t care what goes down in the bedroom, what matters to him is if you were a piece of shit or not. The Zarok he knew was a piece of shit, and apparently so is this one. 

Upstairs, Dan could see the aforementioned food court plus the forbidden bathrooms. Continuing, “So here is mostly just stores with the brat children drop off center nearby.” Woden would then point to a nearby restaurant with the name “Pizza Time”. This surprisingly got a shudder out of him, “I hate seeing that place, should’ve died along with disco. But it’s the only place to get a slice of pizza, maybe a new set of acne, and an STD from the ball pit. Bloodmonath jumped in there once, we had to call an ambulance when he didn’t resurface after five minutes.” Dan silently hoped that, when he mentioned Bloodmonath, he didn’t mean the same legendary hero Bloodmonath Skullcleaver – the only peasant to have risen through the ranks as someone almost as terrifying as Woden, especially with that battle axe of his! But of course, he had to be here too, didn’t he? At this point, Dan was going to be acquiring new britches by the time this tour was over. Oh, and before I forget, Woden did add that Bloodmonath just so happened to work here, just at the sports store at the other side of this floor. Just as Dan was getting ahead, a man followed by three bodies zipped past them, nearly knocking Dan off his feet. 

“Damn, a thief this early?” Tim looked at his watch.

“It’s that game store, I tell you. They should let him go and let him figure out he stole an empty box.” Woden huffs, folding his arms, “Steadfast, Sturngard, and Kardok are too brutal to be mall cops.”

“I don’t know, the underwear store sees theft too, Megywne and Imanzi have told me all about those thieves.” Tim put a hand on his hip.  
Just as he says this, one of the cops, presumably Kardok – can’t tell, they’re all wearing helmets for some reason, tackles the thief while the other two had finally caught up, apprehending him and calling the cops, the real cops. One could suspect they were too good to be mall cops, but at the same time they were also too destructive to be actual cops. Obviously, they were too busy, so it’s best to leave them to their job and they’ll talk later. The tour was ending anyway, as a quick walk around the second floor with not too much happening led them back to the first floor, it was here that Dan noticed another store with a nervous looking employee fussing over a tablet. “Poor Kift,” Tim empathized, “I swear, he’s too hard on himself sometimes.” Woden retorted, “He chose to adopt Winston, this is what he has to put up with. And without _hands_ no less.” Puzzled, Dan looked between them, “What do you mean no hands? He has hands!” Woden immediately clarified, “He’s got prosthetics, he lost his real ones in a car accident. Happened a couple years ago when I first started.” 

“But don’t let it get you down, Kift is a genius and his perseverance are admirable.” Tim claims with a smile.

“And, should I ask what the weird smell is or…?” Dan got his answer via loud groaning from the two of them. 

“Al Zalam. Owns a marijuana dispensary in the second floor, I don’t go near it but fuck me, you can smell it before you see it. I swear to fucking god, he’s so high it’s like he’s in another dimension.” Woden scowled.

Tim couldn’t help but agree, “One time we had a raccoon in the vents and he got inside, got lost and smoked a bowl, then the whole ventilation system got clouded with the stuff, I’d never stared at a tree this intensely or wanted pizza that badly in my life.” 

“From then on if we have another raccoon or if the same one ever comes back; we’re not sending him in.” Woden confirmed, “And yes, we wanted to call animal control, but the boss said no since it was too expensive. Cheap bastard.”

Tim checked his watch again, “Nine o’clock, I’d say this is a basic tour well said and done, but I need to eat or I’ll be snappy until my lunchbreak.” And just as he’d said that, Dan felt his stomach rumble as he too had neglected to grant his stomach the nourishment it deserves. No way was he trying out the food court, and work wasn’t until an hour, and like hell they were going into Marrow’s restaurant. So, really the nearby café was the only good option. Not that anyone complained, and it seemed like everyone was in agreement with each other as they’d make a beeline for it before anything else could grab their attention. And just saying, little Dan had been waiting for the right opportunity to scope out the ladies, as so far Dan himself hadn’t seen any other woman besides the nurses at the hospital. Should I also mention he has a thing for foreigners? Because that’s exactly the type of woman this café employee was. She had to have been from Egypt based off the skin tone, Dan thinks. Her greatest feature had to be those adorable freckles spotted all over her cheeks – no, it had to be her nice smile! No, her vibrant green eyes were a winner! Dan felt his heart skip a beat when he saw her, legs becoming jelly as the trio walked up to the counter.

“Tim, Woden! Welcome, what can I get started for you?” She had such a soft voice, it only made Dan even more nervous and at the same time skeptical. There was no way, no fucking way a woman this hot would be working in a dump like this! Then again, if all the heroes of Gallowmere’s history could be manifested into this hell on earth century, then anything is possible! If that was the case then Dan expected lightning to strike down Woden or something that would get him to stop glaring daggers into his soul.

“A black coffee and a bagel sandwich, onion bagel and I want it toasted, thanks.” Woden ordered.

“Hey Kiya, I’ll have the peach tea and the chicken panini.” Tim would grin as he brought out his wallet.

“And for you, newbie?” Kiya smiled at Dan, who didn’t know what to say other than, “Yes!”

Confused, Kiya gave him a look, “Excuse me?”

At this point, Dan was blubbering absolute gibberish. Woden’s hand met up once again with his forehead for a friendly reunion. The one thing, the one fucking thing he told Dan not to do…and he up and did it. Tim couldn’t help but giggle, “Dan, she’s asking what food you’d like to order.” “Food sounds great, yes!” Dan yells. “Oh, for the love of Odin, kill me now.” Woden mumbled in despair. Kiya was thankfully amused, “I think maybe a coffee and a club sandwich will do, does that sound good?” Dan just nodded like a complete moron, all the while Woden was praying to Odin to allow Hel to take the reigns and just let the ground swallow him whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Dan made an ass of himself but at least someone found it funny.


	4. Open for Business

Woden hadn’t spoken much since the kerfuffle at the café, Dan absolutely making a fool out of himself in typical, Fortesque fashion and he just wasn’t in the mood to address it. Hopefully, a few sips of his coffee would help him forget what had just happened, or, you know, Odin can just strike him down now. It’s okay, he won’t be mad if he did, at least it’d spare him the punishment of being coworkers to such a muffin-top, piano key toothed buffoon. Gods, their manager was going to eat that man alive if he kept up this level of stupidity, and Woden nor Tim would be able to pump the breaks once it’s been put in motion. Tim, on the other hand, was more amused with Dan and just wouldn’t stop giggling at how unintentionally funny it was. Dan was eating it up - and his sandwich, whatever Kiya put in those sandwiches, he wanted to eat every day! Modern food must be on a newer level of delicious, the likes of which Dan had yet to understand. Though it wasn’t to say the food back home was bad! Food back in Gallowmere was exceptional, dare he say even delectable. It had its fair share of dishes, mostly centered around the people’s fascination with pumpkins.

How geographically impossible, I’d say, but then again, Gallowmere just seemed to be ahead of most of the other kingdoms in Europe in terms of economical success, cultural appreciation, and religious coexistence. Okay, not idyllic, Gallowmere had its fair share of plain awful or incompetent rulers. Apparently, they’ve either had a habit of sending prisoners to the Gallows Gauntlet or just having poor table manners all in all. Honestly, does not one soul know how to properly chew and swallow a raw turnip? Though thankfully, a massive overbite such as Dan’s would spare him the humiliation of asphyxiation, can’t say the same for things getting stuck in between his teeth however. That, you can’t exactly stay quiet about as it stuck out like a sore thumb. On the rare occasion that Dan was not playing croquet and rubbing elbows with the kingdom like the brown noser that he was, he’d instead be out in the barracks or in the training fields barking orders at the men.

If the knights were unionized, they’d be issuing a complaint to human resources – or really, King Peregrine himself. The only thing keeping them from wanting to revolt against the epitome of why you shouldn’t rely on Daddy’s money was because of Canny Tim. Now that poor, but pure soul had nothing but the upmost respect for the soldiers and he in turn earned theirs through his compassion and understanding…that, and he was a damn good bard on the side. Give him a lute and the soldiers would be caught up in a concert and waving around lit candles like modern day glowsticks.

But that Tim was gone now, this one, Dan had yet to get to know, but was comforted in knowing he was already on his good side. That and he seemed to look good without his hat, that bright blue apron really brought out his eyes, personally, he looked better in green and – Dan, if you’d kindly stop exhibiting simp tendencies and focus before you accidentally run into a column?

Just in time to hear him speak, Tim would warn him as he threw out his wrappers, “I should warn you right now, our boss? Palethorn tends to be vicious on top of gluttonous.”

“Like you hadn’t just swallowed that sandwich.” Woden snidely remarked.

“Pardon me, Woden, but I’m afraid I hadn’t had the time to make myself breakfast, someone had to wake me two hours before my alarm.” Tim simply smiled, though his smile was kind, his tone certainly wasn’t, “Sometimes I think you forget that you are not in the army anymore.”

Woden would’ve argued, but instead chose to hold his tongue and finish his coffee before disposing of the cup into the nearby trashcan. The cup disappeared into the black void along with other bits of trash that had been accumulating for the past hour or so. Without a proper, name brand coffee shop, mall employees tend to flock to the café for their daily caffeine fix.

“I’m…assuming you two are friends?” Dan finally asked, glancing in between the two men. In all honesty, he’d been wondering just what their relationship even was.

“I guess you can say that,” Tim nodded, “We’re actually next-door neighbors.”

Woden would then confirm, “And it’s because of this that our store has not seen one robber in the past five years.”

Tim leaned in to whisper in Dan’s ear, “Actually, I’ve been working here a lot longer than him, I’m the one that got him a job here.” All before going to the main entrance, taking a set of keys out from his pocket to open the gate and let himself, Dan, and Woden in before shutting it.

Inside the store, Dan would be both impressed and disgusted by the state of the establishment. The harsh smell of chemicals hit his nostrils hard, and the fluorescent lights were either flickering or were too bright. The floors looked as though they hadn’t been mopped in ages – though rest assured, they have been, the stains were just too stubborn to come off. A sign would hang overhead to the registers that said, “GRAND RE-RE-RE-OPENING DOOR BUSTER SALE”

“Re-re-re-opening…?” Dan stared at the banner confused.

“This place has…seen it’s fair share of accidents.” Tim admitted as he went to the register to clock in, typing in his employee number and password. Honestly, the new registers were the only real update this place has seen in a long time. Seeing as there were only two available registers opened, Dan would have to take the other one to clock in. 

If you’ve ever had a parent or relative who didn’t know squat about technology, then you’d know exactly the type of frustration this would bring, as every single tiny click of a keyboard button being pressed was another vessel about to be popped like a balloon for Woden. His brows furrowed as his eyes fixated on the time, then on Dan’s perplexed face. Before he could say anything, Tim motioned, “Here you go.”

Woden nearly shoved Tim out the way to clock in, hurriedly typing in his number and password to clock in at exactly 10:00 am. Dan was still taking his time, but finally seemed to get it, and not a second before 10:01 am.

“Right on time…” Woden said relieved, finally relaxing.

“Good, I don’t pay you to be late.” Came a new voice. It was hard to ignore the brash, cockney accent, clearly being masked with a softer, posh tone. He was certainly much larger than Woden, both in big-headedness and in broad shoulders.

“Morning, Palethorn.” Tim greeted.

But their boss ignored him, as he’d take note of the much taller, scrawnier, and possibly least attractive person in the room, “Daniel Fortesque?”

“Daniel Wigginbottom Fortesque the Fourth.”

“Palethorn, and I’m only going to say this once, you do your job and we’ll get along nicely.” He’d say, though, it kind of sounded like a threat. Not even a quick comeback from Tim or harsh remark from Woden as he stared the trio down, “You two know what to do.”

“Of course, we’ll make him feel right at home.” Tim responded immediately.

“Good, I’ll be in my office making some calls. Don’t call me if my ex comes over.” Palethorn would grumble before turning away.

The moment he was gone, Tim sighed, “Suppose we should get your training started.”

Though before that could proceed, Woden gave Dan a weird look, “_Wigginbottom_?”

For once, Dan was able to answer without fear, as instead he’d answer with weariness, “It’s a family tradition.”

Training would begin not long after; a good portion spent was Dan plopped in front of a screen watching training videos with easily the most smiley and exuberant employee he’d ever seen. Wonder if the man behind the screen got paid handsomely to read those lines. But after this, it’d be showing him around the shop, which was a fairly large area. It was like your regular warehouse store; a men’s and women’s clothing and shoe section, office supplies, home décor, kid’s section, electronics, and snacks right at the till.

As incompetent as Dan appeared to be, he was actually taking towards receiving instructions very well. However, this wouldn’t come as easily, were it not without some setbacks. As Dan had mostly been pampered and waited on hand in foot for a majority of his life, only ever getting off his lazy ass to pick up a weapon to initiate training with some of Gallowmere’s finest weapons masters or engage in the changing of the guard, he’d actually complained quite frequently over the fact that he had to actually work. If Tim were to hand him a broom, Dan wouldn’t know what to do with it.

If Woden asked him to go fold up some shirts in the women’s clothing department, Dan would give a weird look and ask, “Why don’t you do it?” As if that wouldn’t get him punched in the face.

“Because it’s your job? You were hired to be a sales associate, which means you fold clothes.” Woden growled. His knuckles were getting whiter from how much he’d tried to hold in his anger.

“Nuh uh, the video said I am supposed to sell to customers, and there are no customers.” Dan replies.

“You’re supposed to keep the store clean and well-kept when they come in, it’s literally a part of retail culture you absolute microwaved pillock!”

“Hey, go easy on me, it’s my first day!” the former knight would answer almost smugly.

“Oh, I’ll go easy on you, right after I shove this hanger down your throat!” Woden grabbed for a hanger he’d meant to use on a cardigan, but now thought, Dan already looks like a bit of a caricature, why not give him some plastic surgery? Palethorn would understand, after all, he wasn’t the type of man who’d particularly care for incompetence.

“No, wait! Not the face! Tim, save me!” Dan cried, suddenly breaking to a run to find his coworker once Woden started to edge closer to him.

He’d been handling a transaction with an older gentleman when Dan came running over with Woden chasing right behind him. Try as he might to gain his attention, Tim just couldn’t break away. With a sigh though and now unable to ignore Dan's pleas for help and Woden's continuous threats to do god knows what with that hanger, Tim would eventually hand over the receipt, “Sorry to cut things short Mr. Peregrine, I’m afraid I have some matters to attend to. New guy and all.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, dear boy, we all know by now how Woden gets.” Mr. Peregrine chuckled, taking his purchase and heading back to his own store.

Dan and Woden had been doing this sort of awkward wrap around the other register, every time Dan tried to get to one side, Woden would mimic his movement, keeping them both at repeated side steps both left and right until Tim intercepted.

“Alright Woden, knock it off.” He’d groan.

“But he was-!” Woden attempted.

But Tim shot him another glare, “Woden, stop. I mean it. I’d really hate for Palethorn to catch you and give you another write up; you know what’ll happen if you get a third.”

It seemed that, the threat of another citation plus suspension stifled the angered man’s movements. While not completely cooled down, Woden did see a point in his argument, then lowering the clothing hanger. At this, Tim would smile, “There we go, now, what’s this all about?”

“I asked Fortesque to fold some shirts, and he responded with backtalk.” Woden simplified.

“Is this true? And don’t lie.” Tim eyed Dan.

He’d almost wanted to say no, he didn’t just mouth off to Woden. You could tell from the deer in the headlights expression that even if he’d attempted it, Tim wouldn’t have believed him. Something told Dan that Tim was a lot smarter than the one he knew back in Gallowmere, and perhaps Dan just couldn’t pry himself away from his companion. Teal eyes stared right back at his own steely gaze, as his walls showed the tiniest hint of a crack; not too large, but just enough to have a bit of its foundation come loose. Slowly, Dan would nod, “It’s true.”

“Well, thank you for being honest with me.” Tim put a hand on his shoulder, Dan almost wanted to place his own hand over the other. He’d continue, “I’ll let this slide only because it’s your first day. But from now on, you absolutely have to listen to Woden.”

“Yes, Tim.” Dan felt like a child, but could he really afford to lie to Tim?

Even Tim was beginning to lose a bit of patience, even without the presence of any customers in the store, the fact that Dan was showing so much resistance towards working made it all the more irritating. Quietly, Dan would get to work, begrudgingly folding shirts and failing miserably. How the hell do they do it? They make it seem so easy! His shirts, when folded, looked lumpy and like a donkey had chewed on it with how many wrinkles he’d produced, while his coworkers kept the clothes neat. And having Woden stare him down wasn’t helping either, as fear and anxiety immediately began to build up once again.

Mercifully, the hours were quick and soon it’d be time for their lunch break. Clocking out and heading to the food court, Dan would look back at their store and ask, “So, how does the place get so messy if no one ever shops there?”

“Some of the other mall employees come to browse on occasion,” Tim answers, “Maybe buy a pair of pants or a shirt if they absolutely need to.”

“Or we just like to screw around.” Woden shrugged, “Not like Palethorn cares, as long as someone buys something. We don’t even know how this place stays open with lower profits.”

“I’m betting a good fiver on money laundering.” Tim raises his hand, then about to pull out his wallet when Woden stopped him.

“Come on, Tim, you paid for breakfast, let me pay for lunch.”

“Oh? Are we apologizing for our rude awakening?” Tim would smirk.

“Fine, yes. It’s an apology. But you didn’t hear it, you little shit.” Woden grumbled, “Just let me pay and don’t rub it in!”

“Aw, so you DO like me!” Tim giggled, batting his eyelashes.

“I’m going to hurt you…so bad.” Woden answered dryly, “Anyway, what do you want?”

Dan felt his stomach rumble with each option set in front of him, the smells were almost overwhelming! “Why not…there?” he’d pointed to a little booth serving fairly generic looking Chinese food. Say what you will, but they are easily the most reliable places to grab food unless you’d like to take your chances with a pretzel so salty that it may just stop your heart or drown out the sorrows of working in retail with a smoothie. Seemed as good as any, and while Tim and Woden hadn’t ordered much, Dan on the other hand, wanted to try absolutely everything. “Can I get…some fried rice?” Dan asked.

“Anything else?” asked the person working the till.

“Anything else?” Dan repeated, then nodded, “Yeah, give me some noodles, my good man! Oh, and some kung pao chicken, a little bit of beef and broccoli – hold the broccoli…” He just kept pointing to more and more food, meanwhile Woden was beginning to regret offering to pay for food.

“…and let me get some of the orange chicken, some Szechuan chicken, teriyaki chicken, ooh! Let me get some of the Crab Rangoon, sounds fancy! And let’s add some chicken eggrolls, wonton soup, order of pork short ribs, and…a diet cola.” Dan concluded.

The employee working the booth looked as happy as a clam as he finalized and then punched in the entire order, “Okay, so that’s two lunch specials…adding the other dishes…your total comes to £107.28.”

Woden went wide eyed, you’d swore his brain had failed to comprehend the amount. Tim was even left speechless, hell, it didn’t stop some onlookers going, “Holy shit!” or, “What the fuck?” Finally, it seemed that Woden regained his internal consciousness as he shook his head, “No, fuck no, I’m not paying for that!”

“But you said you’d be paying for lunch!” Dan stared back in bewilderment.

“Lunch! Not a catering!” Woden snapped.

“But I’m hungry!” Dan whined, “You made me work like a dog today!”

“Don’t worry, I got this.” Said Dirk, he and his mall cop friends had seen what Dan was trying to do, and were both disgusted – though, that bit came from Kardok. “I respect a man who knows how to pack in a good curry or two.” Dirk says as the employee took his card. The employee looked very happy with this transaction.

“We’re just taking our lunch break! Come join us!” Karl offered.

Soon, they’d be seated at a round table, where they’d get to marvel at the spread Dan had ordered. There was no possible way that he’d be able to cram in that much food without there being any accidents later in the day. Just as Karl and Dirk were about to help Dan and dig in, they’d be intercepted with Kardok grabbing at their wrists.

“No, I want to see him eat all of it.” Kardok shook his head.

And true to Kardok’s curiosity, and perhaps Woden’s embarrassment, Dan spearheaded his hunger deep into the accursed, deep fried and oily multitude. Those spectating him ordering earlier would soon gather to watch what was basically the UK’s very own local broadcasting of Man v. Food. The contestant? A very hungry 13th century nobleman versus £100 lunch.

He started off alright, focusing only on his proteins before moving onto his starches and carbs, then came the fried foods. The chanting began to increase and encourage him to press on, finish what he’d started. Meanwhile, Tim was ready to call for a janitor as this was not going to end well. Sauce, breaded meat, greasy noodles, soup broth, all going down in minutes. Dan would begin to struggle, taking sips of his drink in between bites until Woden took it away from him, probably because the carbonated drink was going to make it worse. Dan did his best, until at last, all plates had been cleared. Somehow, some way, he’d cleared it all!

“That was good eatin’.” Dan kicked back, “My compliments to the chef.”

“I think I lost my appetite…” Tim mumbled, feeling sick from watching this display of gluttony and offering his lunch to the mall cops, Karl happily received this offering with a small, “Danke.”

“Alright, fatass, you ate your lunch. But next time, pay for it yourself.” Woden glared, “And don’t come crying to me when you get sick.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I’ve eaten like this many times before, I have to keep up a good figure, you know.” Seems that ignorance was alive and well in Dan’s mind. And though karma wished to strike down upon him and make him eat those words, or rather, have him bring it back up, no such thing. Though for Dan’s first day on the job, that wasn’t half bad! At least, for him that is. But progress is progress. Rome wasn’t built overnight, and neither is Dan’s transformation. He would need to find his footing, even with the motivation of keeping, or rather sustaining a positive relationship with Tim. And what of the lovely café girl, Kiya? He’d surely love to get to know her more, though probably not if she’d heard that he’d had a pig out session in the food court today.

As they closed up shop later that night, Tim yawned as he got his car keys out, “What a day…hey Woden, do you mind driving?” With a nod, he’d accept them, seemed that today’s events had sapped all the anger and energy out of Woden, but he was more than willing to take one for the team and drive. Dan followed closely by, and was surprised when Tim entered the backseat with Dan. With a yawn, he’d say, “Sorry, it’s not exactly safe for me to drive when I’m this tired.”

“Do you uh…want to borrow my jacket?” Dan offered, noticing his friend shiver. Why did the heater always take forever to warm up the car?

“Hm…sure, why not?” Tim smiled as he accepted the dark red jacket, it _had_ been getting colder lately and his own jacket seemed too thin, “I must admit Dan, you definitely had our work cut out for us.”

“I’ll say…” Woden mumbled as he got the car going, “You act as if you’ve never worked a day in your life!”

“Well,” Dan bit his lower lip, and considering his overbite, it wasn’t a small one so he had to be careful unless he wanted to look like he’d sucked on a lemon, “it’s funny you say that, I haven’t.”

“You’re joking.” Tim sat up, adjusting the jacket and wrapping it around him like a blanket.

“I’m serious, not a single day in my life.” Dan confirmed, as much as he’d hated to tell the truth.

“That explains a lot.” Woden comments, already on route to Dan’s house, “Well whatever life you led, you can forget about that.”

“Come to think of it, do you remember anything before we found you?” Tim raises a brow at Dan, who stammered a bit, unable to find the right answer. It’d seem obscene to continue telling the truth now, why not lie just a little bit more? It’s just one white lie, not like the truth would be more believable compared to a lie. Besides, if this is what keeps him from being thrown into the loony bin, then that’s fine by him.

“No, I don’t.” He shook his head.

“Well, until you’ve recovered your past, we…I’ll do my best to help you adjust.” Tim promised, noticing that Woden’s expression softened at the change from “we” to “I”. He understood that Woden wished to be left out of this, as much as possible. He’d realized how unfair it was to pull him into this situation. Arriving at Dan’s residence, the car would come to a complete stop as he’d step out, “Thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime, we’ll see you 9am.” Tim waved, then handing him back his jacket.

“And pick something normal this time!” Woden reminded him.

“Fine, fine, I’ll dress like a peasant.” Dan rolled his eyes.

Tim laughed at this, “You’re funny.”

“I really should thank you though, for everything?” Dan rubbed the back of his neck. It felt unlike him to actually be polite, but it felt rewarding to see a smile on his friend’s face. And even more as Tim replied, “Yeah, it’s what a friend would do.”

“You still drove us fucking crazy.” Woden added.

“That you did.” Tim agreed.

“Okay, okay, see you.” Dan frowned a little, then turning away to head inside. He’d hated every second of the workday, it was exhausting! Move this, move that, fold this, hang that! What are you doing on your phone Fortesque? Why are you taking so many bathroom breaks, Fortesque? Stop looking at the display mirrors, Fortesque! It was so annoying! And then Woden wanted to shove a hanger in him! Lucky him, Tim saved Dan from such a fate. Yeah, that mall was going to be seeing a change of scenery now that they’d added a knight to the roster. But strangely enough, it felt like it was all worth it.


End file.
